Vampirical Science

"I am here with Professor Edvard Nemacov, a leading scientiest in research on Vampires."
"Hello!"
"So today you are going to explain some of the science behind vampires and how they become well vampires."
"Yes, that is correct."
"Now let's get somethings out of the way. Vampires drink blood right?"
"Indeed"
"They have sharp incisors with which they bight, Correct?"
"That is correct."
"What about garlic?"
"Well, the vampire has a hightened sense of smell. Garlic is just nasty. Besides if you smell like garlic you taste like garlic and well, garlic really isn't any good with out salt. And blood is hard to salt."
"Uh, right. Now what about holy water?"
"Poppycock. Everyone who is Post-Protestant Reformation knows that the Catholic Church is not wholy correct. That's why they protested and formed their own churches. Holy water, since the church isn't wholy correct can't be truly holy because it isn't blessed of God so it has no special powers anyway. Besides holy water is for baptism anyway and if you douse a vampire with holy water you've just entered him into the kingdom and washed all his sins away. Well, if it wasn't completely symbolic anyway."
"Ahem, okay, so wooden crosses and stabbing with sticks."
"Well the cross is a horrible symbol. That's why vampires shrink away from them. Nasty Roman trick that everyone still hates. The wooden spike through the heart only works because of the splinters. If you got a metal spike that had rust or shavings which stuck into the heart of the vampire it would eventually cause infection and death of the vampire. Putting it through a blender is a good way too."
"Alrighty. Well, lets get back to the ones we got right teeth and drinking blood."
"Okay, the most crucial point of the vampire is the heart. Somehow the heart and brain don't die. Although the rest of the body did. This causes a slight decomposition to the body; however, with the resusitation of the heart and mind the body no quits decomposing and is suspended in that slightly decomposed state. Hence the ashen colour or skin and bloodshot eye look of vampires.
"Well, in more detail, it is a virus called mortis dracularis which causes this state and it is transmitted by other vampires. I haven't been able to figure out the cause or mutation of the virus and how it was originally caught but it can only be transferred from a vampire to a human being.
"This is done by the incisor teeth. [Professor walks over to a chalkboard to show a section of a vampire's mouth.] See the hole in the teeth and the gland inside the sinus cavity. This gland creates and secreets the virus into the blood. The virus is also combined with bacteria which helps to keep the blood from coagulating and to break it down into sugars and proteins.
"Now the virus needs blood to work. A dry host will just kill the virus and the human will remain dead. In fact, there needs to be enough blood that the infected party could still live on its own, but have enough blood loss that the body is very week.
"The virus then kills the person and resuscitates the heart and mind before brain or irreparable heart damage occurs. Most vampires kill their hosts, preferring not to inflict mankind with the life they have. However, there are sadistic vampires out there. Most vampires are male and they tend to go for the opposite sex, which is seems like it doesn't make any sense. To be perfectly honest, no one wants a female vampire. They are well, due to the blood issues and monthly occurances vampire women are technically always PMSing, literally. So they aren't much fun to get along with so most males kill their female host. It is mostly sadistic, female, and gay vampires which lead to vampirical propetuation."
"Okay this is so enlightning," the host says with some sarcasm. "So what made you so interested in vampirology?"
"Well, because sonny, I am one." After which the Professor scrunched his face and bit the reporter on the neck and drained him of his blood.
The camera man kept filming and was too stunned to move. The Professor turned to the camera man, who finally began backing up, still filming.
"Did you see that? When I went to bight him my face all scrunched up. That was to activate my viral gland up here in my sinuses. That helped squish the venom out of the gland. Sorry, for the outburst. I suppose I'll have to move again to keep people from burning me at the stake and trying to prod me with wooden stakes but these interviews just make me so hungery. Well thank you for taking time to see me. I'll be collecting my stuff. And I hope to never see any of you again. Well, except for you Selma Hayek, if you are watching. I'd like to show you what it's like with a real vampire." He wiggled his eyebrows and left.